How To Make Really Annoying Clothes

dry cleanMoving on from sandwiches to a new area of consumer annoyance — clothes.

  1. When hemming a garment, ensure that you use the thinnest spidery-web thread known to man. And for God’s sake, don’t put the stitches in properly. If a hem doesn’t come down after two wearings then your job is not complete.
  2. Buttons must never be attached to a garment (particularly a coat, extra marks if it’s leather or some other material too tough to DIY repair) with more than an inch of thread. As long as the buttons stay on while the garment is in the shop, that’s just fine. Ideally, buttons should be attached in such a way that they pop off when you’re on a crowded train and cannot retrieve it. Oh, and don’t give spares.
  3. A T-shirt that’s the perfect length when new should shrink when washed to precisely the length where it skims one’s stomach unflatteringly. And the seams should twist.
  4. Ignore any guidance on consistency of sizing at all times. Clothes sizes should simply scale up rather than attempt to accommodate areas of the body which will be proportionally bigger as the sizes go up, i.e. chest, legs, stomach.
  5. Introduce ‘longer length’ trousers which are only an inch longer than your standard midget-length.
  6. ‘Dry Clean Only’. That is all.
  7. Make any linings out of really really cheap nylony material so skirts ride up and require constant pulling down as the wearer is walking. Extra points for making the lining too tight for the size of the dress/skirt so it rips to shreds.
  8. ‘Hand wash’. As if.

Other things which have annoyed me:

Restaurants

Pedestrians

Sandwiches

Shopping centres

Corporate jargon

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