- Cram as much of the filling as you possibly can right at the front where the sandwich is on display so at first glance it appears to be a generously fat specimen. Leave the back half of the bread empty or simply drape a piece of lettuce decoratively across it.
- If using salad leaves to boost the size of your sandwich, bulky ones like rocket have the added benefit of making it look trendy. You can squash up a surprising amount of rocket instead of putting a proper filler in and it will also often fall out when eaten and make a mess.
- Use grated cheese instead of sliced. Much easier to get away with skimping on volume and falls out while being eaten to make a mess on lap/desk/keyboard. The same goes for slices of tomato which will invariably drop out onto an item of clothing which has been recently dry-cleaned.
- If using a small yet heavy filler such as prawns or crayfish, closely observe rule number 1, but also fail to use mayo to keep the tiny fishy bastards in place so they fall out and make a mess. One will also roll under the desk and vanish.
- Chutney usage should be heavy-handed. Very heavy-handed. Preferably with gag-inducingly large globs of it concentrated in one area. Ditto mustard.
- Baguettes should ideally require a chainsaw to cut them. No sandwich-baguette is successful unless it’s punctured the roof of one’s mouth and showered crumbs everywhere.
- If making sandwiches out of ciabatta or panini, use this as an excuse to put less filling in but charge more because it’s continental, innit.
The above rules will be amended or added to as and when required with no notice. One last tip:
Raw onion. NO.
Other things which have annoyed me: